Why I don’t like Kylie [humour]

A lot of what I’ve written of late has been quite serious and heavy, so I think it’s about time I eased off a little.

Allow me to explain why I don’t like Kylie Minogue.

Back in the mid-1980’s, children’s television was brilliant! When I was between the ages of 7 and 8 years old, you had a good three solid hours of quality children’s programming on both BBC1 and ITV – we didn’t have a Sky subscription until much later, so this was way before the days of Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network. In those days, Phillip Schofield – now the darling of ITV’s daytime – was the presenter of Children’s BBC, locked in the Beeb’s broom cupboard with a puppet gopher called Gordon, and he wasn’t let out until 5:35.

The Beeb had a bit of an advantage over ITV as their children’s programming didn’t just stop at half past five. To fill the gap between Gordon the Gopher and the 6 O’Clock news, they offered almost 30 minutes of additional children’s programming in the form of…

Muppet Babies!

You could guarantee that, even if the Beeb’s programmes weren’t all that appealing (I never quite got into Grange Hill, but then I was only 7), there was at least something good on once the more anarchic ITV had handed back programming to the adults.

And who DOESN’T love the Muppets?

But then… one fateful day in October 1986… no more Muppet Babies!!! I remember we’d returned from doing our weekly shopping trip, just in time for the half-five slot, switching the TV to BBC One and seeing this…

Neighbours.

Okay, I thought, they’ll show one series, a half dozen episodes or so, and then it’ll be back to the Muppets or something just as good. I was waiting YEARS for the first series to end but it just kept going on… and on… and on… like a bloody soap opera!

But then, it became something of a craze. First, my mom insisted on watching it every day. That was MY MUPPET TIME!!! Then, the kids at my school started watching it – mostly the girls. Then this…

As a family, we always used to sit down and watch Top of the Pops every Thursday. Once that song kicked off the craze, it became even more difficult to avoid the invasion of Australian soap stars. The pop magazines I used to read back in 1988 were obsessing over Kylie’s favourite sandwiches and Jason Donovan’s bathroom. And if that wasn’t enough, they were both working for Stock, Aitken and Waterman: purveyors of predictable and formulaic dance-pop! ARRRRGGHH!!! YOU’VE ALREADY TAKEN MUPPET BABIES AWAY FROM ME… WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!!!!?

[deep breath]

And that is why I don’t like Kylie Minogue. As the cast member most associated with Neighbours, and one of the two characters responsible for the ensuing fad reaching fever pitch, I hold her personally responsible for getting Muppet Babies taken off my screen.

You do NOT mess with Jim Henson and expect to get away with it.

Animal… on my command… unleash the dogs of war upon all Erinsborough!!! Mwahahahaha!!!!

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